Every time my life goes into crisis mode, my logical brain says you need to do something to change your circumstance. My mind starts cross examining every possible way that I might have made a poor choice and gotten myself in my situation, maybe it’s my lack of stepping out on faith, or lack of doing something drastically differently.
Sometimes I stay in that sphere of sadness and frustration, and then in the next instant or in the next breath, the holy spirit impresses to me that my next logical step forward is to be where I am and simply press all the way in. Meaning to put every ounce of positivity and effort I can into being obedient in the exact place I am at. Even when clear concrete evidence leads me to question.. is the wrong person for me? The wrong job? The wrong industry?…. I know deep down that I am not even worthy of the salvation I have because of very clear, very concrete evidence and it’s literally the grace of God, the blood of Jesus that gives me everything good in my life.
So no matter how much my mind repeats to me how unfair this or that is and how much it throws me off and how much I say to myself I need to change this. I need to change this. I need to change the circumstance. Then somehow a change happens all on its own. A change happens without out a drastic difference. The change actually feels more like a shift or a reveal of what has been there all along.
Now trust me, I am still putting in a lot of effort, but not to change my circumstance, it’s always effort to be obedient to Gods word and do what it tells me to do. To train my thoughts to line up with Gods word. If a thought pops up and contradicts the word of God, I know I must cast it out. It’s so strange how I can go from being so sure that situation is no good for me and then it turns out to be the opposite. When held up to the light of the word every counterfeit thought is revealed.
It Is so difficult to some days but when I do Gods word, I feel satisfied. I honestly don’t know what else to do other than to keep praying and holding my eyes on the word. I don’t want to be passive but I also realize there is not much in my control as far as making my circumstances more pleasing. I feel so unstable sometimes but every once in awhile, when I least expect it, someone gives me a compliment, tells me I inspire them, or they might say I helped them stay encouraged and I realize… maybe I am not doing so bad after all? I remember all things truly do work together for the good of those who are in Christ Jesus and that gives me strength. With that bit of strength, I am able to continue moving forward.
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